[Personal] “Life Preserver”

Years ago, I read a blog on Tumblr that said, “you can live for whatever needs you and whatever matters to you… live for whatever keeps you alive.” Some people replied and said that at some point in their lives they lived for “external things,” such as for their best friends, their pets, even for their favorite cartoons. What struck me the most was when a person replied this: “don’t toss away a life preserver just because other people think you should be able to swim on your own.” And I agree with all of them. In my case, one of my life preservers was my dog — a Chihuahua named Goku.

During my nadir in November 2020, Goku was one of the life preservers I clung onto for my existence. Whenever I wanted to lock myself in my room all day and succumb to my thoughts, Goku’s presence made me want to stand up and live again. “I have to feed him” and “I have to walk him” made me want to continue existing; otherwise, something bad would happen to him too. “Of all the mistakes I’ve done, at least I’m doing something right by being a good owner to him,” I thought. And it went on from day to day, weeks to weeks, and months to months. I lived for him. He made me want to live for the both of us.

But now he’s gone. I think one of the most difficult thoughts to process is “what now?” His demise created a void — a deafening silence of his absence. Some people would probably say “just get a new dog or a cute cat,” but it doesn’t work that way. You don’t just tell people to replace what has been lost. And most importantly, you don’t instruct people how to grieve.

In all honesty, we all know the answer — the ugly truth — to the question of “what now?” It is as simple as this: life moves on. As I do so, I write this piece to remember how much Goku means to me, and how huge impact he had in my life even if he was just a dog. He made me want to live. And if you encounter someone — or even something — that makes you want to live, I hope you unapologetically cling onto it and cherish it until it lasts.

I’ll end this by quoting from “Buddhism without Beliefs: A Contemporary Guide to Awakening” by Stephen Batchelor: “By meditating on death, we paradoxically become conscious of life. How extraordinary it is to be here at all. Awareness of death can jolt us awake to the sensuality of existence.”